Being good

I decided to change the blurb on my profile. Mainly because the old one really didn't explain what I feel my blog is about. You see my topic for today is an introspective one and may be thought provoking or merely ridiculous depending on the person who reads it. Have you ever wondered how hard it is to be Good? I mean really good, like the nice old ladies who smile and wave as you walk down the street. Or the mother who never yells at her children. Or the families that help out at homeless shelters or charitiy events.

All my life I have been trying to be good. Be a good person. Not Swear. Be kind and helpful. Not yell at my kids. Be a volunteer or aide a friend. Never cheat, lie or steal. Be someone who the bible says we should strive to be. Or the moral person who society places so much emphasis on.

I am not perfect, despite my t-shirt that says "It's ok to be jealous not everyone can be me". You see that is not a t-shirt I would have picked for myself. It was given to me as a Christmas gift by my old roommate. The other t-shirt he bought me was one I could relate to. Especially these days. It says "Damn right I am good in bed, I can sleep for days". Both of those t-shirt were jokes and quite frankly they make me laugh. The "perfect" t-shirt so describes my character Grey Panther who honestly sees everything through rose-coloured glasses and can't understand why some people don't like her. I know why some people don't like me and I am not an eternal optimist. Grey Panther is a character for me who I can play and let loose my restraints about having to be a good person. She just is. She is always there for her friends and does everything in her power to help those who need it. She also has an invulnerability complex but that's another blog entry for later.

I have been realizing that every day I have been striving to be this good person. Someone who looks after her children, cleans the house and still has time for family and friends. Somedays this is really hard. When I am cranky and bitchy and only want to moan and hide from the world, I can't. I have to feed Smiles, pick Bear up from school, clean the house and do the yard work. And I am expected to do this all with a smile on my face and be happy about it. So when I get angry and grouchy everyone condemns me because I am the mother. I am not allowed to be snarky to my children or get angry at my husbands slovenly habits. I have a lot of pet peeves that I am trying to just let them go. But when they multiply instead of dividing what I am supposed to do? A good person would shrug and go...Hmmm, oh well I am having a bad day. And maybe they would laugh and then continue on.

I think the biggest problem I am having right now is that everyone needs to find ways to destress. To relax and calm down. My blog is one of my ways that I destress. I vent my problems and then normally talk about them in a calmer manner afterwards. Or sometimes the venting in and of itself is enough to defuse a situation. Where am I going with this. That's a good question. I have already gone an at least three tangents from my original post. I think the thing I want to explain is that when I game, when I take on a character - they are always good people. They always strive to be better than whatever circumstances they have found themselves in. I can not bring myself to play "EVIL" characters. I don't understand it, but I cannot bring myself (even if it is just a character) to deliberately try and hurt others. Which is the definition of evil. I can not even ignore the fact that my action(s) may hurt others and then simply do them anyways. I will admit I have done things that have hurt others and most of the time they were inadvertent. I have tried to make it up to people afterwards and sometimes it works. Other times it is only years later that I realize what I had done and restitution by then is too late.

So evil, yeah I can't play one, yet I am realizing that I want to play one. Maybe as another way to get out all those bad emotions. Hubby keeps describing a character of his he used to play where he was evil and as he put it "In a bad headspace". But he claims it was very cathartic because he could be evil and not have real life consequences for his actions. I will admit that is what I am thinking I would like to do. IF, and this is a big IF, if I can commit myself to playing a selfish greedy character only out for her own good. I have always believed roleplaying is good for you. It lets you take aspects of yourself and explore them in ways you would not normally get a chance to. Then if you like or dislike those aspects you can choose how you want to deal with them in real life.

I think a problem I have with selfish greedy characters is that they are normally not team players and I am naturally someone who wants to play with a group. Call me a follower or whatever you want but I like that team camaraderie and good groups are hard to find. It might also be that I am technically playing only two games right now. And unfortunately one looks like it might not last despite our valiant efforts. Which means that I am not getting my gaming fix and releasing emotions through my characters. Sigh, I know all you gamers out there will know what it is I am talking about.

I just wish being good wasn't so hard.